Ask Mauj: About Taking the Lead During Sex, Porn Dependency, and Wild Fantasies

In this month’s Q&A, we’re answering three of your questions about taking the lead during sex, feeling reliant on porn to orgasm, and having wild fantasies as a single woman. Dive in!

Q: I always feel lazy during sex, and I want my partner to take control and do everything while I just enjoy it. Is that normal?

A: Feeling “lazy” sometimes when it comes to sex is a very common and natural thing. Sex, after all, is a physical activity that requires energy. You might be in the mood for sex, but you’re too tired to initiate or lead. You can also totally find yourself enjoying submissiveness in one relationship and then shifting towards being more active in a later relationship.

But if you like your partner to take control every single time you have sex, it might be worth asking yourself a few questions about whether this is an indicator of sexual preference. For instance, it’s worth exploring whether or not you would fall under the category of what is called a "submissive," and if it means that you prefer that your partner takes control over the sexual relationship.

If this is the case – and it’s totally cool and normal if it is – then it becomes more of a matter of finding the right partner who compliments that and who enjoys being more in control, initiating, and leading. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is also submissive and prefers to be more on the receiving end themselves, then it could be problematic for the relationship.

These dynamics are worth discussing with your partner, figuring out where you both stand, and what feels good and right for you both to enhance compatibility. This will allow you to choose the right partner for you.

Q: At the beginning I used to be able to use my vibrator without watching porn and it was amazing. But unfortunately, with repetitive use and over time, watching porn has become necessary for me to reach orgasm. Does watching porn, over time, affect my ability to feel pleasure with a partner? What are the substitutes? 

A: It’s possible that you have become wired to orgasm more easily through watching porn. This is a concept referred to as “neuroplasticity.” Through repeated action or stimulus (i.e. watching porn) to get to a desired outcome (i.e. orgasm), you’re basically wiring your brain to start to prioritize or prefer this as a more reliable way to climax.  

So, if you get used to watching porn every time you bring yourself to orgasm, your brain will link the two. But don’t worry, your brain can be re-trained. The way to do that is by creating new neural pathways through teaching your body to orgasm again without porn. It’ll take some time and effort at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

If it’s important for you to stop watching porn, you might need to cut it off completely and allow yourself to reconnect to your own mind and body. Other substitutes include using your imagination to create mental scenarios that you find sexy or that turn you on, which can help you feel arousal and build up to orgasm. 

Here are more tips for self-pleasure moves to try.

Q: Are really strong desires/urges something normal? Are wild fantasies normal for a single girl?

A: Absolutely – sexual urges and fantasies are a totally normal and natural part and expression of your sexuality, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.

According to Lehmiller’s study in 2018, 97% of adults have had a sexual fantasy, and 100% of adults are capable of having one.

Your sexual fantasies also evolve over time. Just like our imagination is shaped by our environments, our sexual fantasies can also change and develop as we grow and mature. One day, you may fantasize about your highschool crush. Another day, you may fantasize about something kinkier, like getting tied up. 

Remember that your sexual fantasies can be a significant means to connect with the more playful side of your sexuality, and try to embrace rather than suppress them. 

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