Ask Mauj: About Orgasms, Turn-ons, and Excessive Self-Pleasure

In this month's Q&A, we're addressing three of your questions about why it might be hard to get in the mood or reach orgasm, creative and new ways to turn your partner on, and when self-pleasure might become a concern.

Q: I find it difficult to get in the mood and reach orgasm while having sex. What am I doing wrong?

A: It’s completely normal to sometimes struggle with getting in the mood or reaching orgasm, and you’re not alone. It’s important to remember that there’s nothing “wrong” with you for going through this.

Your desire for sex, often referred to as libido, can be influenced by a variety of factors that affect both your body and mind. Stress, for instance, can take a significant toll on your sexual desire. When you’re overwhelmed by work, personal issues, or other stressors, your body may prioritize dealing with those stressors over engaging in intimate activities.

Similarly, if you’re physically or emotionally exhausted, it’s natural for your energy levels to dip, which can make it harder to feel in the mood for sex.

It’s important to note that people have differing levels of resilience to external factors, so while a given stressor may not impact one person, it’ll turn someone else off completely. 

It’s challenging to connect with your partner when your mind is elsewhere, so setting aside uninterrupted time for intimacy can be beneficial.

If there’s tension or distance in the relationship, it can also affect your desire. Open communication and nurturing your emotional bond with your partner can help maintain or rekindle your sexual desire.

Explore these 5 common reasons why you might not feel like having sex at a given moment.

When it comes to reaching orgasm, it’s important to remember that everyone’s body responds differently, and what works for one woman might not work for another. You might need a combination of physical stimulation, emotional connection, and even mental relaxation. It can take some time and experimentation to discover what feels best for you.

Exploring your own body can be a great first step. By understanding what kinds of touch, pressure, and rhythm feel good to you, you can better communicate these preferences to your partner.

Don’t hesitate to gently guide your partner or suggest trying something new together. Whether it’s a different position, a change in pace, or even introducing pleasure products, being open to exploration can make the experience more enjoyable and less focused on achieving a specific outcome.

 

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Lastly, we encourage you to take a look at the sex you’re currently having. If you’re not finding it satisfying, it’s understandable that you might not find yourself in the mood for it. In this case, an honest conversation with your partner might be the right next step. 

Q: What can I do in bed to turn my partner on, beyond the usual things we know? How can I engage in foreplay and connect with him in ways that don't just focus on the face and genitals?

A: It’s great that you’re looking to deepen your connection with your partner in new and meaningful ways. Intimacy is often centered around familiar routines, but there’s so much more we can explore to create a truly fulfilling experience with our partners. Here are some ideas to get you started.

1. Start with non-sexual intimacy.

Foreplay starts long before the bedroom—it’s in the little moments of love and connection you share throughout the day. A playful flirt, a warm cuddle, a message, or a conversation about your desires can create sparks that build into something special. Techniques and instructions will only get you so far; you need to nurture and grow the bond between the two of you.

2. Explore the whole body.

Shift your focus beyond the usual areas, i.e. genitals, and embrace the pleasure of simply touching each other. Lightly trace your fingers along the neck, back, or inner thighs, and kiss often-overlooked spots like the ears, nape of the neck, behind the knees, inner thighs, or the lower abdomen.

Treat the body as a pleasure map with no fixed destination. Focus on everywhere except the genitals to heighten arousal and anticipation—build up until you’re aching for more. The goal is to create an erotic experience that awakens the senses and to explore beyond the mainstream ideas of "sexual" play.

3. Engage all senses.

Tap into all five senses to fully immerse yourselves in the experience. Explore different tools to play with temperatures, textures, pressures, and motions. For example, glide a silk scarf across their skin or gently trace an ice cube along her nipple.

You can also experiment with restriction, like tying a scarf around the wrists, only if you both feel completely comfortable. Sensory deprivation can heighten the experience, such as blindfolding your partner to sharpen their sense of touch or using earplugs to focus more on physical sensations.

4. Use your words.

Whisper sweet things like how much you love their touch, tell them how good they feel, or share a fantasy you’d like to explore together. Compliment their body, their scent, and the way they make you feel.

You can also guide the moment by telling them what you want to do next. This can make the experience even more exciting.

5. Slow down.

Don’t rush through the experience—the slower, the better, unless your partner asks for something different. Take your time to savor every touch, kiss, and sensation. 

Instead of focusing on reaching an end goal like an orgasm, stay present with what you’re both feeling in the moment. Pay attention to each other’s responses and let the pleasure come from exploring and enjoying each moment together. Trust us, you’ll find this deeply satisfying. 

 

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Q: I’m separated, and sometimes I engage in self-pleasure, but I worry that I might be doing it too often. Could this impact my future sex life, and what’s considered a normal frequency for self-pleasure on a daily or weekly basis?

A: Self-pleasure is a normal and healthy part of the human experience, and it typically doesn’t have negative effects on your future sex life.

There’s no set rule for what constitutes a “normal” frequency for self-pleasure—it varies greatly from person to person. Some people might do it daily, while others might do it less often. What’s important is that it feels right for you and doesn’t interfere with your daily life or relationships.

If you’re worried about your frequency of self-pleasure, think about how it makes you feel. Are you using self-pleasure as a way to cope with stress, avoid intimacy, or does it simply enhance your overall well-being? If you notice that it’s affecting your mood or relationships, it might be helpful to reflect on why that is and consider speaking with a therapist or counselor. 

Remember that self-pleasure should be a positive and fulfilling part of your life. It’s all about finding balance and ensuring it aligns with your personal needs and values. 

Have questions you’d like us to answer?

Email us at [email protected], DM us on Instagram, or use this form to submit your question anonymously.

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